MY LAST TIME WITH U!!

26th April 2010, Last year 2:00 clock constitutes one of my last memory with you..an alive memory!!

I had my exams going on,was busy reading my notes when u called me out..u never remembered my name so u always did "chu chu" i saw u calling me and sat next to u, u caringly moved ur hand over mine and smiled..u had tears in ur eyes then, It was normal for me to see u that way,coz i knew tht tears were not because u were sad instead because u were happy to have someone besides u..

U then gestured me..( u had almost lost ur ability to speak then) u gestured me asking "Jevlis?" I nodded and smiled "Ho,jevle" then i sat at ur foot and rested my head on ur lap..ur legs were weak..gently u moaned when i intially rested my head so i snapped back again but u gently rested my head on ur lap again, i was elated...u carresingly moved ur fingers through my hair and patted gently on my back..I sensed something then..something very strong..as if u knew its the last time ur spending solely with me..as if it was my last time to be entirely with u for that amidst hour of afternoon.( which we always spend together alone)..I was afraid..was taken a back by the thought that it was the last time..i quickly erased those thoughts..i was scared and hugged u tight..u reciprocated ..u held me tight that day..more strongly than other times..i hugged u for a minute or two and kissed ur forehead..u smiled and continued gesturing and talkin to me..we did it for a n hour and then u went to sleep..The thour spend with u refreshed my mind and i got back to study..

On 27th April u got up late..ur body seemed weak.very weak...it took immense efforts from ur side to even get up n sit on ur bed..was unusual..hesitated to leave u is till had to go for my exams..i came back worried..u were all the more weak that day..just in three hours ur face had turned pale...i took ur plate of food and started feeding u..but u cudnt eat..i tried hard but no avail..I finally managed to serve u with a glass of milk..the three days after that were dreadful!! I was scared for every second..every second..!! I gave my papers with moistened eyes each time..

30th April was my last paper..i ran back home to u..by now i was used to see u laying back without any life ...i sat nxt to u..u had spoilt ur bed..I gt u on the wheel chair ..aatya and me cleaned everything and sat nxt to u..the nxt day went past by and in the evening at 6:15 I took ur hand in mine ..ur eyes were open and white..they looked straight in to my eyes..i sat with u like that holding ur hand in mine for half n hr..i slowly blotted the drops of perspiration on ur forehead with ur pretty blue napkin..just then mami called..she knew i was too stressed so she called me up to come over to her place for somewhile..i went there ..and on my way i got a call..that CALL was the worst ever in my life!!

I came back,i saw u laying there in ur blue night gown..u were cold yet as pretty as ever..u were physically gone but one could see the ultimate contenment and satisfactiion ur face glowed with even then..I Cried ..a lot..a lot..i bended down n KISSED UR FOREHEAD FOR THE LAST TIME..and at that moment .. I WISH I HAD SPEND THE WHOLE DAY (26th april) WITH U..I WISH I HAD NEVER ENDED THAT HUG,I WISH I WOULD HAVE TALKED WITH U FOR SUMWHILE..I WISH I WOULD HAVE TAKEN THE THOUGHT OF MY LAST TIME WITH U SEREIOUSLY!! LEAST DID I KNEW THAT MY FEARS ARE GONNA COME TRUE IN THE NEXT 4 DAYS!!!

Its a year now,i cudnt sleep since last nite..can feel u around today more strongly ..!!

I could never forget this day..since it marked MY LAST TIME WITH U!

I love u Aaji!

Love me not..

Love me not..
Love me not for my pretty face..
love me but for my eternal grace..

Love me not for my beautiful eyes..
Love me but for the innocence that underlies..

Love me not for my rosy lips..
Love me but for the words they utter and promises they keep..

Love me not for my fair skin..
Love me but for the person i am within..

Love me not for my neatly carved body..
Love me but for my heart which cares for everybody..

Love me not for my riches and jewels..
Love me but for the dignity that shines and the strength that prevails..

Love me not for the being i am..not for the name i have ..not for the fame i hold..
Just love me for my pure soul..
Just love me for my pure soul..

कसं वाटतं ?? :)

थोडं बघावसं वाटतं,

थोडं पाहावंसं वाटतं,

बघता - पाहता थोडं मग हसावंसं वाटतं ..



हसता हसता हळूच मग लाजवासा वाटतं ,

लाजता लाजता थोडं मग बोलावसं वाटतं..



लाजता लाजता थोडं मग बोलावसं वाटतं ..

बोलता बोलता थोडं मग ऐकावसं वाटतं ..



बोलता बोलता थोडं मग ऐकावसं वाटतं,

ऐकता- बोलता पुन्हा मग भेटावसं वाटतं..



भेटा भेटा थोडं मन रामतंय असं वाटतं ,

रमता रमता मन मग गुंतल्य असं वाटतं ..



गुंता मनाचा हा सोडवावा असं वाटतं ..

गुपीत मनातलं हे उघडवसा वाटतं



'प्रेम आहे तुझ्यावर' हे सांगावासा वाटतं..

'माझही तुझ्यावर' हे ऐकावसं वाटतं..

धगाल भावना ..

मन अनेकदा भवनानी कसे दातुन येते बघ..

निर्भय,निळ्या अभालत जसे दातुन येतात काले धग ..



त्या क्षणाला कही सुचेनासे होते,

ढगांच्या गड़गड़आतात घबरल्यासरखे होते,

मन ही भवनान्मधे असेच काहीसे गुंतते,

बिथरते थोड़े अणि सुटकेची वाट शोधते..



गर्जना ऐकताच ढगांची,निवारा आपण शोधतो,

छोटासा का होइना असरा आपण घेतो,

मन ही भावनांपासून तसेच घाबरून लपते,

दुसर्या गोष्टिन्मधे मिसलुन रमते का ते बघते..



आकांत मग गाठून, मल्हार तो बरसतो.

सरीनंनि नहीं मात्र थेम्बानी भिजवतो,

भावना ही तसचाच हळूच डोकावतात,

चेहर्यावर नसल्या तरी काळजाचे ठोके चुकाव्तात..



वादळ ते सरताना, निवारा सगले सोडतात ,

चिंब भिजलेल्या शिरिरावारून थेंब मग ओझरतात,

भावना ही उरल्या-सुरल्या मग तसयाच झरतात..

अगदी शिरिराच्या थेम्बानपरी ..मात्र डोळ्यातून वाट काड़तात..

डोळ्यातून वाट काड़तात..!

Walking down the memory lane!

The dim-lit, secluded street just a few steps away from my house has the night grown upon it. While an odd shadow peeps into its enviable quietude and as I imagine it's dimensions, my wrist-watch starts running anti-clockwise, and I get reminded of the places that this street leads to, of the places that sing and dance, smile and cry, of the places that are dark and bright, wet and dry, loquacious and laconic, and of those that confess and lie.

My first crush, first badminton match, first attempt of cycling,first Kishore song, first book,first shopping, first plan, first friend, first look at the sky, first movie, first heartbreak, first success, first failure and the first question of existence converge at the end of this street which has enveloped a disorganised stack of the tiny aspects of my life that are now scattered over the immensity of time, and that collectively define all that I have lost and all that I have gained in the process of growing up to 22.

QUirks..as i call it!

The strangest thing happened today, maybe its just the way I look at things nowadays or maybe the course my life has taken is what it was actually meant to be.

There are times in one's life when we forget all the good that we do and just remember those times when maybe we weren't at our best... such times are so rare that they actually tend to move people like me to tears (not very difficult nowadays, but well.. ).
Today was one such day for me... Staying along isn't all that easy but feeling helpless about it kinda sucks big time. It is even harder to admit that you have been wrong all along about yourself and how you feel and what you can do.
People around us teach us so many things, living outside the boundaries that you have created for yourself is so darn important that we don't even realise it till we are down in the dumps and someone who has been right beside all along walks up to you and tells you the simplest things about yourself that you so blindly choose to ignore.
Love yourself there is nothing wrong with that... and remember to love yourself 'cause you forget that and you forget to love anyone else.


Thank you Suyash... I cannot say that you have been the easiest guy to deal with but you are a really sweet friend. :)


And to you my love... how can I say that I love you with all my heart when your absence just burns holes into it?

...Newborn Mother ...

The brightness was blinding
When she carefully opened her eyes.
She felt like a newborn
After the veil of barrenness was torn apart.

The door opened and gave way
To her bundle of joy;
Gift wrapped in celestial white
And cradled in the hands of her soul mate.

Broken down completely in excruciating pain,
Yet she sprang up like a lil dame.
Held her angel close
And kissed its forehead.

Tear drops rolled down her cheek
Like kids on a park slide.
Her pain had strayed faraway
To a land she might not return again.

What's left is a title for which,
persistently she had prayed.
It's "Mother" and that'll be her new name
Till eternity from today.

"_____________________________________"

That sudden silence
between
conversations.
An abrupt minute
between
those hours.
It's when there's nothing much to exchange.
A void from nowhere breaks in,
And you can almost hear
The stirring spoon,
The drone of the air conditioning,
The soft clicks on the keypad
While someone messages at the table behind;
And the clash of a plate falling flat on its face
At a distance not very faraway.
You only then notice:
Your nails need to be cut,
The spelling error in Today's Special
On the Cafe's tent card;
The ceiling turns into a masterpiece,
Which you gaze at and admire.
You want to talk some more
Yet the topic feels tired,
Somehow,
And it wants to retire.
This silence is like
That last piece of choco chip cookie
Left on a white ceramic plate
In between.
For once, you want to bite in and indulge
Yet you fear reaching, for it
might just finish that instant.
While on the other side,
You don’t want to leave it untouched
It just tempts you
And yearns for your attention.
You clear your throat,
Utter a word.
Coincidentally,
there’s a word from the one before you;
Clashing with yours at the same time.
A demure exchange of smiles.
There’s silence once again.
Now will you reach for the cookie?
Or will you keep on?

8 Questions..

If I have the courage to tell you that you’re wrong
Would you have the courage to listen?
If I tear your heart to pieces with my steel claws
Would you have enough heart left to forgive?
If I tell you to leave me alone
Would you be stubborn enough to still be there?
If I fall down and say that I cant get back up again
Instead of picking me up, would you let me do it on my own?

If I give you possession over my body, my mind, my soul
Would you be my master, or give me your spirit too?
If I promise to give anything and everything
Would you take all you want, or just what you need?
If I tell you all my secrets, reveal my deepest thoughts
Instead of cringing at them, would you hide them in your core?
If I ask whether you feel moved by what stirs me
Would you try to have faith, even if you don’t believe?

In these questions lies my definition of LOVE and not in the ANSWERS!
HEAVENLY its is i know.just wondering whether i can EXPERIENCE the FANTASY!
:) :)

Fantasia

Here I sit at my table, trying to write to you. It's incredible how difficult I find it to tell you my thoughts. Maybe because I don't even know you. If I did, I would write you a ream. I would write you my dream. About our book of yellowing pictures. Echoes of your favorite songs. Crumbling letters of love and loss. If I knew you I would describe to you, that wrinkle on your nose, that curve of your brow, that shining brilliance of your smile. If I knew you I would write you lengthy verse. Of shy favors and ticklish whispers. Of moonlit nights and sweet surprise. If only I knew you...


Here I am, wondering if I can have you. If I could, I would etch my footsteps next to yours. Our fingers locked tight. My time ticking with yours. If I had you I would hide you in the crevices of my thoughts. Weave you into the seams of my dreams. Wrap you in frills of poetry. If I had you I would reel and swoon. And drown and merrily die. If only I had you...

तुम..

ये आँखें हमारी , देखे सपना तुम्हारा
ये अधर हमारे , ले नाम तुम्हारा

ये दिल हमारा,धड़कन तुम्हारी
ये गम हमारा, ख़ुशी तुम्हारी

मंजिल हो तुम,रही है हम
ज्योति हो तुम,दीपक है हम

एक तस्वीर के दो पहलु है हम
तुम कुछ भी कहो तुम्हारे है हम ....

I 'LIVE'

I sing...
I sing to calm
the screaming silence

I laugh...
I laugh to eclipse
the droning tedium

I cry...
I cry to mollify
the hurting ego

I love...
I love to feel
the throb of life

I hate...
I hate to remain
fate's perpetual puppet

I create...
I create to liberate
the trapped passion

The Night Whispered!

I'm standing on my terrace. The sky is inky blue, there are no stars, there is no moon. Clouds drift towards each other slowly and hesitantly like silent lovers melting into their first kiss. The cool night breeze ruffles my hair, a lump forms in my throat, it's been a long time...

Distant memories sail in and out of my mind, I let them pass.
I don't want to think, I just want the moment to stay.
I close my eyes, I hear faint guitar strums, music straight from the heart, I'm smiling...

Characters from my book enter and leave my mind, I let them go.
I'm living a dream, I don't want to wake up.
I close my eyes, I smell rain, there is a mild drizzle, I'm smiling...

The sea beckons me from far away, I stay still.
The night is whispering a secret, I just want to drink it up.
I close my eyes, the spray is on my face, waves crash around my feet, I'm smiling...

A rainbow drifts in and out of my mind, I let it fade.
I don't want color, I just want the black night to last forever.
I close my eyes, I'm humming, I feel his arms around me, I'm smiling...

I'm standing on my terrace. The kiss is over. The night is suddenly still. I know the secret now. The clouds part to reveal a lone star, he is back! I'm smiling...

PS: The night itself was sheer poetry! And my thoughts were not symmetrical :) The randomness was the poetry!

Can you hear the silence!

She peered deep into his eyes, He quickly averted his gaze
A violent storm brews in the distance
Can you hear the Screaming Silence of Anger?

She touched his fingertips hesitantly, He squeezed her palm tight
A cool mountain breeze nudges them closer
Can you hear the Calm Silence of Trust?

She ran her toe up his leg slowly, He wet his lips hungrily
The wet smell of rain mixes with the intense smell of love
Can you hear the Moist Silence of Lust?

She laid her head on his shoulder, He kissed her forehead lightly
Deafening thunderclaps, a blinding crack of lightening
Can you hear the Choking Silence of Grief?

A single teardrop escaped her eye, He wrapped her in his embrace
The moon glows softly in the clear night sky
Can you hear the Gentle Silence of Love?

Trivial

I'm an inkblot, scattered by an angry whim of the hand.
I'm a footstep, an insignificant instant in an eternal journey.
I'm a shadow, a dark twin that lurks by day and fades by night.
I'm a torn page, an incomplete story with no beginning or end.
I'm a broken clock, frozen at a forgotten moment of truth.
I'm an ambiguity, maybe, maybe not...

Love In Absentia!

You live inside me these days. Or your thoughts have befriended me in special ways. Your image in my mind is precision itself. I see your neatly parted hair, the corners of your boyish grin, the fine creases of thoughts on your forehead, a hint of a dimple teasing your face, the angle of your questioning head. I can see your fingers flying over the keyboard, the way you squint at an error, your eyes shining bright in the screen's light. I image your measured pace, even the tiny skip in your shadow's gait.

I write to you a lot these days, oftentimes in my mind. Sometimes in class, punctuating the professor's wisdom with cryptic verses meant only for you. You make me very tongue-tied. Maybe that is why I write so much to you. Or maybe because I don't trust myself to say the right things. You've taught me, painstakingly, that anger and sadness, exhilaration and joy, misconception and doubt, everything diminishes with time. I've learned, on my own, that writing helps greatly at such times. Can I really fill silence with writing? I try. It is always more exciting to try the seemingly impossible.

I talk to you when you sleep. I whisper actually. I'm sure you hear me, every time. You smile, probably you even murmur back..i hear it at times.. I like it when you talk to me with your eyes closed, your voice husky and distant. I wish you would reveal your dreams now and then. Am I in them? I always wonder what it would feel like if you say a different name or if I do, for that matter. These fine lines of fire that we tread so carefully within never cease to amaze me. Nevertheless, talk to me in your sleep please...

I've etched each scene a hundred times in my mind. I have resolved to save every note I scribble to you. I guess I can talk to you when you sleep, no matter where you are. Sigh!
I m here waiting for u stranger..and I know u r on ur way!

Zip My Mouth Shut!

Nothing is a safe thing to say. Even frivolous comments have surprisingly disproportionate consequences. It is amazing how intent is enslaved and vanquished by semantics and poor timing. I need a crash course in wise choice of words, non-opinionated tone and holding a straight face. Can I get a touchiness sensor and also an omniscient disclaimer machine?

I think I'm learning to think before I talk, really learning it the hard way. The curve is steep and the metamorphosis is fascinating. I'm slowly resorting to drawing decision trees in my mind before uttering anything. Trust me, it is not a bad skill to have. I have found the elusive silver lining! It significantly slows down my speaking. Soon I might actually be heard and understood. I might even sound intelligent! Well, almost... I still wish I could blab away thoughtlessly now and then. Maybe I should talk more to my father... Ha!

Influx

For a moment
A whore
Feels romance

For a moment
The music
Is silent

For a moment
The night
Creates shadows

For a moment
It all
Makes sense

Then
That moment
Is over