Fantasia

Here I sit at my table, trying to write to you. It's incredible how difficult I find it to tell you my thoughts. Maybe because I don't even know you. If I did, I would write you a ream. I would write you my dream. About our book of yellowing pictures. Echoes of your favorite songs. Crumbling letters of love and loss. If I knew you I would describe to you, that wrinkle on your nose, that curve of your brow, that shining brilliance of your smile. If I knew you I would write you lengthy verse. Of shy favors and ticklish whispers. Of moonlit nights and sweet surprise. If only I knew you...


Here I am, wondering if I can have you. If I could, I would etch my footsteps next to yours. Our fingers locked tight. My time ticking with yours. If I had you I would hide you in the crevices of my thoughts. Weave you into the seams of my dreams. Wrap you in frills of poetry. If I had you I would reel and swoon. And drown and merrily die. If only I had you...

तुम..

ये आँखें हमारी , देखे सपना तुम्हारा
ये अधर हमारे , ले नाम तुम्हारा

ये दिल हमारा,धड़कन तुम्हारी
ये गम हमारा, ख़ुशी तुम्हारी

मंजिल हो तुम,रही है हम
ज्योति हो तुम,दीपक है हम

एक तस्वीर के दो पहलु है हम
तुम कुछ भी कहो तुम्हारे है हम ....

I 'LIVE'

I sing...
I sing to calm
the screaming silence

I laugh...
I laugh to eclipse
the droning tedium

I cry...
I cry to mollify
the hurting ego

I love...
I love to feel
the throb of life

I hate...
I hate to remain
fate's perpetual puppet

I create...
I create to liberate
the trapped passion

The Night Whispered!

I'm standing on my terrace. The sky is inky blue, there are no stars, there is no moon. Clouds drift towards each other slowly and hesitantly like silent lovers melting into their first kiss. The cool night breeze ruffles my hair, a lump forms in my throat, it's been a long time...

Distant memories sail in and out of my mind, I let them pass.
I don't want to think, I just want the moment to stay.
I close my eyes, I hear faint guitar strums, music straight from the heart, I'm smiling...

Characters from my book enter and leave my mind, I let them go.
I'm living a dream, I don't want to wake up.
I close my eyes, I smell rain, there is a mild drizzle, I'm smiling...

The sea beckons me from far away, I stay still.
The night is whispering a secret, I just want to drink it up.
I close my eyes, the spray is on my face, waves crash around my feet, I'm smiling...

A rainbow drifts in and out of my mind, I let it fade.
I don't want color, I just want the black night to last forever.
I close my eyes, I'm humming, I feel his arms around me, I'm smiling...

I'm standing on my terrace. The kiss is over. The night is suddenly still. I know the secret now. The clouds part to reveal a lone star, he is back! I'm smiling...

PS: The night itself was sheer poetry! And my thoughts were not symmetrical :) The randomness was the poetry!

Can you hear the silence!

She peered deep into his eyes, He quickly averted his gaze
A violent storm brews in the distance
Can you hear the Screaming Silence of Anger?

She touched his fingertips hesitantly, He squeezed her palm tight
A cool mountain breeze nudges them closer
Can you hear the Calm Silence of Trust?

She ran her toe up his leg slowly, He wet his lips hungrily
The wet smell of rain mixes with the intense smell of love
Can you hear the Moist Silence of Lust?

She laid her head on his shoulder, He kissed her forehead lightly
Deafening thunderclaps, a blinding crack of lightening
Can you hear the Choking Silence of Grief?

A single teardrop escaped her eye, He wrapped her in his embrace
The moon glows softly in the clear night sky
Can you hear the Gentle Silence of Love?

Trivial

I'm an inkblot, scattered by an angry whim of the hand.
I'm a footstep, an insignificant instant in an eternal journey.
I'm a shadow, a dark twin that lurks by day and fades by night.
I'm a torn page, an incomplete story with no beginning or end.
I'm a broken clock, frozen at a forgotten moment of truth.
I'm an ambiguity, maybe, maybe not...

Love In Absentia!

You live inside me these days. Or your thoughts have befriended me in special ways. Your image in my mind is precision itself. I see your neatly parted hair, the corners of your boyish grin, the fine creases of thoughts on your forehead, a hint of a dimple teasing your face, the angle of your questioning head. I can see your fingers flying over the keyboard, the way you squint at an error, your eyes shining bright in the screen's light. I image your measured pace, even the tiny skip in your shadow's gait.

I write to you a lot these days, oftentimes in my mind. Sometimes in class, punctuating the professor's wisdom with cryptic verses meant only for you. You make me very tongue-tied. Maybe that is why I write so much to you. Or maybe because I don't trust myself to say the right things. You've taught me, painstakingly, that anger and sadness, exhilaration and joy, misconception and doubt, everything diminishes with time. I've learned, on my own, that writing helps greatly at such times. Can I really fill silence with writing? I try. It is always more exciting to try the seemingly impossible.

I talk to you when you sleep. I whisper actually. I'm sure you hear me, every time. You smile, probably you even murmur back..i hear it at times.. I like it when you talk to me with your eyes closed, your voice husky and distant. I wish you would reveal your dreams now and then. Am I in them? I always wonder what it would feel like if you say a different name or if I do, for that matter. These fine lines of fire that we tread so carefully within never cease to amaze me. Nevertheless, talk to me in your sleep please...

I've etched each scene a hundred times in my mind. I have resolved to save every note I scribble to you. I guess I can talk to you when you sleep, no matter where you are. Sigh!
I m here waiting for u stranger..and I know u r on ur way!

Zip My Mouth Shut!

Nothing is a safe thing to say. Even frivolous comments have surprisingly disproportionate consequences. It is amazing how intent is enslaved and vanquished by semantics and poor timing. I need a crash course in wise choice of words, non-opinionated tone and holding a straight face. Can I get a touchiness sensor and also an omniscient disclaimer machine?

I think I'm learning to think before I talk, really learning it the hard way. The curve is steep and the metamorphosis is fascinating. I'm slowly resorting to drawing decision trees in my mind before uttering anything. Trust me, it is not a bad skill to have. I have found the elusive silver lining! It significantly slows down my speaking. Soon I might actually be heard and understood. I might even sound intelligent! Well, almost... I still wish I could blab away thoughtlessly now and then. Maybe I should talk more to my father... Ha!

Influx

For a moment
A whore
Feels romance

For a moment
The music
Is silent

For a moment
The night
Creates shadows

For a moment
It all
Makes sense

Then
That moment
Is over

Disappearing Constants ...

Everything comes with an expiry date. Most things in life are like medicines that turn poisonous over time. Excitement turns into ennui. Ennui becomes indifference. Novelty turns into routine which morphs into boredom. Knowledge turns into memory. Memories are forgotten. Intensity turns into weariness that slowly degenrates into inertia. Ambition turns into achievement. Achievement becomes mundane. Love turns into pain. Pain is replaced by numbness.


All that remains is a ceaseless obsession with details, an incurable insecurity and a deep fear of the unknown.

An Unwarranted Mirth ..

Today I sat on a swing in the park and swung away to my heart's content. And I suspect I enjoyed it way more than my two year old cousin. For those brief moments I had not the smallest worry. The burdens of life gave way to a lightness I have not felt in years. I stopped. I breathed. I turned my face up to the breeze. Back and forth, back and forth. Life is full of similar oscillations. Secure to stranded, elated to morose, confident to terrified. There is never enough time to categorize life as good or bad amidst this constant interplay of ravaging extremes. But today, in these rare moments of stillness I wondered what is it that makes one brave the downs and seek the ups of life.

What makes one pray to an unknown God? What makes one read astrology? What makes one search for the elusive silver lining to every cloud? It could be need. It could be discontent. Or even greed. I like to think it is faith.

It's funny how faith works. Oftentimes it is difficult for the rational mind to grasp faith as a concept. For it can seem rather blind, baseless and unscientific. The rational mind understands effort and result and expects them to be proportional to each other. It cannot settle for an aggregate but non-chronological reciprocity between effort and result. Neither can it understand belief without proof, or patience without progress. Rational as I claim to be, I believe effort and faith feed into each other. Faith induces effort even when the fruit is not in sight or within reach. Unrelenting hard work in turn serves to augment the very faith that one is constantly inching towards the fruit.

In principle, one could have faith in anything- in oneself, in instinct, in justice, in the ultimate reign of goodness, in the immutable laws of nature, in Time, in God. I think it is something, maybe the only thing, that protects our irrevocable right to dream, our sometimes irrational optimism, and our unjustifiable claim to lofty goals and ideals. It is what keeps the innocence in us from escaping.

Back and forth, back and forth, life will go on. I know. But right now, there is a breeze in my hair. The grass is young and green. The moon is high and blue. The world is picturesque. The idealist lives on...

Wishful.

I saw an elderly couple on the street. They strolled leisurely, gazing at store windows and stopping for snow cones. He waited patiently as she surveyed shoes. She smiled to herself as he stopped to stare at toy cars. Maybe some things never change, I thought. Maybe the boy or the girl in us lives on forever.


They stopped at a traffic light, cars zipping past in a hurried world that was once theirs. He peered right and she to the left. An unsaid protocol, a tiny idiosyncrasy ingrained in them and habituated over the years. They locked hands with each other and off they went across the road. Did she always walk on his left? Did he take her hand or did she take his? Was it practice or was it chance? No one could say. I’m sure.


They spoke softly, about this and that. He leaned close to her and said something. She let out a low delighted laugh. He chuckled, his eyes twinkling mischievously at his own joke. Did they not argue when they were younger, I wondered. Maybe differences fade away gently. Maybe over time, they had become a little more like each other. But today there was a lovely harmony as they walked along. They were perfectly in step with each other, their pace, fluid and gentle like the breathing of a sleeping child.


It began to rain, a slight drizzle, all but lost in a gusty breeze. He flipped open his umbrella. He didn’t wait, she didn’t hesitate. He wrapped his arm around her shoulder and she took a step closer to him. They walked on, her own umbrella still dangling from her arm. They slowly walked homeward, this profound moment probably just one of the countless others they took for granted.


To me, it was a magical reality dazzling in front of my eyes. I stood there, even as the drizzle became a pattering rain, and looked on at a love that had stood the test of time. I stood there and promised myself our own autumn evening. In that crystallized moment I knew that all I want to do is grow old with you.

"All the way from head to heart!"

I have had lots of friends..many of them are those whom I know since I was a little kid..they know me well enough same is the case with me..they know what I like, what I don’t, what is my weakness, what is my strength If not for the past one year I would have called these friends my SOULMATES..But now I m forced to re-think!
Not till now I had known someone who just doesn’t know all this but even knows what I think about a current situation, what I am going to say about it and how I am going to react...

The bond between us is just so mysterious to me. The circumstances of our becoming friends were also completely random, there was nothing extra-ordinary or magical but I guess we have both felt this connection from the very few meetings that we had. A point to mention the connection had the same intensity. It wasn't a gradual development.

Ever since I met him in college, we have shared a really weird and mystical, really bizarre bond. We would even go so far as to consider it telepathic in nature. We just know what the other is thinking, We finish each other's sentences, speak in unison, know our next step, and can have an entire conversation across the room without opening our mouths. Sometimes I will get a strange feeling and know that he is just about to do or say something and the very next second he is there doing that! - he has told me that that a similar thing happens to him. There have been times when one of us has known when the other is in trouble, just from a bad feeling that we got or just from the tone either of us had while talking on phone.

Intially, I just considered it a coincidence, but as the saying goes
“Co-incidences don’t happen daily! “
As we flowed ahead being more good friends I thought we knew each other well enough to predict each other and hence the connection..
But now it’s becoming more n more strong..more and more precise..more and more frequent..
We really don't even know how to define it!
We have never met anybody else who can do what we do, so needless to say, when we met each other, we were both a little apprehensive to find out whether we are out of our minds.

We wouldn’t have been so surprised provided we had known each other since years together..but just a year of being friends is too small a time to scientifically define the bond..
It’s Divine for that matter!


We rarely discuss it as a general rule, so I guess I'm been doing some hard thinking about it since our trip. I am very skeptical of paranormal phenomena, so needless to say, I would not believe it if it wasn't a normal part of my life now.

And That Is How We Know Each Other...

FROM HEAD TO HEART …


Anyway, that's my story. I don't care if anyone believes me - I just had to get that off my chest.